One of the truly hard things I am going through is understanding what I want and need. It even goes to my marriage and my wife. I never really know what I want and seem to always be in conflict with myself. It gets very frustrating, I can only imagine what it must be like being married to me! do I seem to not do the things I should do?
I know I want us to be and act like husband and wife, at least I think I do, but why am I not acting like it? Why don't I do the things I need to do to be a good husband? I do feel like she is not listening or has parameters of how we, she, me should communicate or else we won't. I do feel like she wants me to listen to her but in turn won't really listen to me. She hears but she translates and takes over my feelings by telling me how they make her feel! But I don't address this with her. So is that my fault then? Is it me? if I don't tell her how does she know?
I ask myself though "Are things I am feeling or thinking really obstacles that I put on myself? Is it really just me not understanding?" I think about what someone told me "To not being around people in your normal life that can't help you or provide somew value in your life" What is value? .
Sometimes I want to isolate myself just because then I can just think how I think, feel how I feel without anyone telling me that I am not doing it right or that somehow its not right. I want encouragement not discouragement. I want support not decisions and judgment on me, I don't want pity or to deal with talking about something they can't understand. Yes I have work to do, but I am not screwed up beyond belief, just NOT SURE, and have no one to help me be sure. What that means is accepting my faults, forgiving my mistakes, and allowing myself feel.
I am not stuck, just don't like where I am at! Go somewhere else, hah, I defy people to make that simple decision having a 6 and 8 year old that you adore more than anything! The two that make everything worth it.
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